See You Later

I think about you everyday. I see old pictures of me laying on your chest, small and fragile, still unaware of what life really is. Life can be cruel. Unexpected. Sometimes I think why me? Why couldn't I have remembered those 18 months we spent together? Sometimes I think what if...What if that day hadn't happened. Would you still let me sleep on your chest after 17 years? Would you be proud of who I am? Because all I really want to do is make you proud. I strive daily to be exactly what you might have wanted me to be. Mom gave me your old work shirt, and sometimes when I wear it to bed I imagine what it would smell like if you had just worn it. Is it possible for me to miss you this much, even though I never properly got to know you?

Life. Does it really have to be this hard? Some days I feel like I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Hopeless and confused I sit down and bury my head into my knees. Then suddenly I feel a hand helping me up, then a push behind me. I find the light again. And I know it was you. Sometimes I even feel your arms wrapped entirely around me telling me "everything will be okay."

I can't see you. I can't hear you. But I know you're there. Watching over me. Celebrating my achievements with me. Crying through the hardships with me. 

I've realized that I can look at life and hate it. Hate the fact that it's so fragile and the simplest touch of darkness can spread and ruin the happiest of moments. But I don't want to look at it that way, because Life truly is beautiful. And even though you've lost yours, I know that you're pushing me to live mine as your healthy and happy baby girl. And all I really want to do is make you proud. I can't wait to be in your arms again. It never was a one-sided goodbye, it was just a "see you later." I love you daddy. 

Love and Chocolate Cake

Love. Such a simple word, yet has such a complex meaning. "What is it?" They ask. Well I've never been in love so I wouldn't know, but even those who have can't explain it.

"It just comes and you know when it does." 

"It feels like nothing you've ever felt before."

That's all they can really come up with. Am I supposed to be impressed by that or something? Is love really worth it? Because to me, those explanations could be about the feeling you get when eating a chocolate cake, but guess what... Eventually that cake is gone. So what then? 

Apparently I have to "experience love myself" to know what it really is, but even then I may not exactly know. Well okay then. I guess I'll just have to wait. 

Wait for the feeling I get when he smiles

Wait for the warmth of his arms around me

Wait for the truth in his eyes when he says those three words 

Wait for understanding that he can see what I see

Wait for the first time he hears me sneeze and accept it and still be pleased with who I am and who I want to be.

I can wait.

Or more accurately love can wait for me.

I won't let love control me. When I am ready I will control IT. Control where my heart wants to be. I will prepare for the times when the cake is gone and all I will feel is pure disappointment, but mostly I'll prepare for the moment when I realize I have an endless supply of that chocolate cake. I'm not afraid for the moment when true, endless love is on it's way because I will know when it's meant to be. At least that's what they tell me. Let's pray that they're right. 

Hide

I used to hide.

Hide behind the lies

behind my red crying eyes

behind the people who I thought were friends

who left me for better trends.

All I could find was the worst in myself

and I didn't know how I could get help

but the truth is all I had to do was rise

I had to realize

that I am the best me

and I was set free.

I would be lying if I said I still didn't hide

sometimes I still let my lack of pride
get the best of me

but at least now I can see

that things can get better

If I force the negative thoughts to just let me be.

I'm done playing hide and seek. 

Being Alive

What does it really mean to be alive? Is it taking your first steps, riding your first bike, or experiencing your first kiss? Is it feeling pain for the first time or breaking someone else's heart for the first time? Now you may wonder why I am using the word "first" so much, but to me, thats what being alive is. Life is full of firsts. Things that are not alive only have one first or maybe even no firsts. A lamp only has one first household that it sits in. Humans experience firsts almost everyday even if they don't realize it. That is how I know I'm alive.

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

Hi, I'm Charlie. You may wonder why I would choose such a name as my pen name. Well let me tell you. Charlotte Rose (Charlie for short) is what I want to name one of my future children. Now I know what you're thinking, you're creeped out that I have already named one of my not yet existent children. But don't you dare act like you haven't thought about the same exact thing at least once in your lifetime, because I know you have. So there. 

I am really excited to post on this blog and express my thoughts and talk about my inspirations. I hope that through this blog I will be able to show who I am and who I want to be. I'm not sure how great I am at this whole "creative" thing, but I guess we'll find out wont we? Wish me luck!