See You Later

I think about you everyday. I see old pictures of me laying on your chest, small and fragile, still unaware of what life really is. Life can be cruel. Unexpected. Sometimes I think why me? Why couldn't I have remembered those 18 months we spent together? Sometimes I think what if...What if that day hadn't happened. Would you still let me sleep on your chest after 17 years? Would you be proud of who I am? Because all I really want to do is make you proud. I strive daily to be exactly what you might have wanted me to be. Mom gave me your old work shirt, and sometimes when I wear it to bed I imagine what it would smell like if you had just worn it. Is it possible for me to miss you this much, even though I never properly got to know you?

Life. Does it really have to be this hard? Some days I feel like I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Hopeless and confused I sit down and bury my head into my knees. Then suddenly I feel a hand helping me up, then a push behind me. I find the light again. And I know it was you. Sometimes I even feel your arms wrapped entirely around me telling me "everything will be okay."

I can't see you. I can't hear you. But I know you're there. Watching over me. Celebrating my achievements with me. Crying through the hardships with me. 

I've realized that I can look at life and hate it. Hate the fact that it's so fragile and the simplest touch of darkness can spread and ruin the happiest of moments. But I don't want to look at it that way, because Life truly is beautiful. And even though you've lost yours, I know that you're pushing me to live mine as your healthy and happy baby girl. And all I really want to do is make you proud. I can't wait to be in your arms again. It never was a one-sided goodbye, it was just a "see you later." I love you daddy.