Revealed.

This is who I am.

I'm the girl who lives in her own world.

I'm a walking lost and found.

I'm the one who's not easily noticed,

but that doesn't bother me.

I'm the girl who cares too much or cares too little.

I'm the girl who has lost hope,

but has forced it to come back.

I'm the girl who would do anything for her friends,

because they're the ones that keep me sane.

I'm "that one girl from elementary school,"

because we've lived in the same house for years.

I'm the girl who looks forward to move on,

but looks back to keep memories (even the bad ones).

I'm the girl who's afraid of what's to come,

but willing to face whatever it is and tell it that nothing can stop me. 

I am who I am.

I'm Noel Jacobsen.

Born and raised in a forgetful world,

but it won't forget me when I'm through with it. 

Paradise

Paradise.
It's on its way.
I have been waiting for this all year.
Feeling the warmth on my fingertips as they are spread out reaching toward the sun.
I've made it, and I wasn't sure I could.
I've had dreams about this day, but i've also had nightmares.
Fears that somehow something won't work out
That the past 12 years have been for nothing.
Graduation.
That's what is on my mind.
So much more to do in such little time.
How much more can I do?
So much on my mind
How can I stop the constant headaches?
It all comes down to the next few weeks.
And i've never been more terrified,
but I've never been more excited either.
I just pray that I can make it through and reach that paradise.
The paradise i've been dreaming about for so long.
I can do this. 
Paradise is on its way.

Blackout.

There were no sprinklers. This is not unusual. They have found flammable decisions and destroyed sympathy for a new plan. 

Emphasis: The way attention shifted to the men. 

My Thoughts When I'm Tired.

I'm so Tired.

This is stupid, can I just go to sleep?

EVERYONE SHUT UP. 

I wonder if caffeine will help. 

Does counting sheep really help you fall asleep? Why is it sheep? Can we count unicorns or something? 

Stay awake. Stay Awake. STAY AWAKE. GO TO SLEEP.

I want my pillow right now. 

I cannot believe my zipper was down this whole time. 

This blasting music still isn't helping. 

I'M REALLY TIRED. 

Goodnight. 

You just HAD to interrupt my thoughts right now, didn't you?  

Rinse and Repeat. 

Everyone Sees Perfect, I See Slightly Misunderstood.

Speak Up

SILENCE.

That's when I know you exist. My mind is screaming at me to say something, but it hurts to even let the tiniest sound out. Why is this so hard for me? Why do I get so scared to be heard? This is just the voice inside my head, and yet it tries so hard to defeat me most of the time. But shouldn't I be the one in control here? All of the images of the world fed my brain and gave it power without my permission. This voice in my head is the one that tells me I'm not good enough, that  I can't make it through. But the thing is.. I prove it wrong every time. I have finally learned to fight it. This voice inside my head is the one I don't listen to anymore. Instead, I listen to the voice that gives me strength and hope. And that's the voice that tells me to say something and I'll be heard. The only thing that could bring back the voice I've barely defeated you might ask? The dark, lonely, painful sound of..

SILENCE.

Sixers

For the Love of a Daughter 

Do your best to find success

       A little too not over you

                                      This feels like falling in love

That's just the way we roll

               I'm holding you closer than most  

                                  Do something before it's too late

                                                                               

Stop looking back, keep looking forward.

Don't you dare, if you care

                                                   The way you make me feel

                                                         

                                Unless you want to taste defeat 

                                                                                        I wish I didn't need you. 

          Wear your heart on your cheek

Four Walls. One Soul.

Four walls.
One soul.
Two eyes wandering
Searching for an answer
Feeling blocked
Feeling trapped

Four walls.
One soul.
Lost in translation
Confused by intentions
Confused by the hidden letter behind the desk
Listening to the voices that shouldn't matter
Fighting against themselves

Four walls.
One soul.
And oh how the soul wishes there were bigger walls
and more souls 
to give them better ideas
because the ideas arent enough
Of four walls
and one soul.

Rock Solid Memories

I remember, how could I forget?

I remember the time I crashed my bike.  I remember the teenage boys who carried me up the street. I remember the whole neighborhood standing in my house bringing flowers and treats. That was the last time I rode a bike for awhile.

I remember my first crush. I remember when my friend told him I liked him. It was 1st grade. That was probably the first time I felt total embarrassment. I remember that it was none other than Nick Emery.

I remember when all my sisters still lived at home. I remember how sad I was when they all moved out. I remember when we would watch old family videos on sundays.

I remember the talent show in my elementary school music class where I mistook a C for an A on the piano. I think I played the whole song off key.

I remember my sister's first wedding. I remember most of us got sick that night.

I remember when I met my best friend in 8th grade.

I remember the morning my hamster died. I remember how sad I was because I wouldn't hear her running wheel squeak in the middle of the night anymore.

I remember the birthday parties I had when I was younger. I remember the friends I used to have who I barely talk to anymore. I remember wondering what happened between us.

I remember the first time I saw him exactly a year ago. I remember how I got huge butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw him after that. I still do.

I remember the times I have felt daddy by my side, even though I don't remember when he passed away.

I remember when grandpa called me "mommy's little shadow" because I would follow her around everywhere.

I remember some of the big things, but whats strange is that I remember almost all of the little things too.  Apparently the little things seem just as important as the big things to me. At least that's what my mind tells me, because clearly I haven't been able to forget.

My mind tells me: I remember, how could I forget?

Keep Searching

My heart is breaking
My earth is shaking
Does anyone care?
Does anyone feel it?
It's getting harder to decide if I want to hang on or let go
It's still unclear which would make me happier
Or make me stronger.

Will I learn my lesson?
Will it make me want to change?
These are the kind of questions I ask myself everyday.
Yet i'm still searching for the right answer.
But maybe the answer's not what I need,
maybe its the searching.
So I continue to search.
No giving up.

I pray to god that he will help me.
And he does.
He is my constant companion and my stress reliever
His help is what I use to get through everyday.
Its the only way I find a reason to smile.

Life gets hard,

Life gets easy,

Life is disappointing,

Life is exciting,

but most importantly, life is special.

Your Life is Special 
So keep searching
God hasn't given up on you,
don't give up on him.

Stop the Clock.

There is never enough time in a day
and too much to do
I don't have enough time to think about you


but I do anyway.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one*
and bring back the morning sun

I need to get everything done
that is written in my plans

but the unplanned keeps happening
and time flies like it doesn't even care to wait for me.

or anyone else.


I wish I could just freeze time
so I wouldn't be wasting it

Stressing so much about the unimportant
that I forget about the important

Can someone just stop the ticking?
I don't want to feel like time is throwing my life away anymore.

*Line taken from Funeral Blues by W.H. Auden

Death Got Nothing on Me

I remember when I was little, I told my mom that I didn't ever want to die. She would just giggle and say "you've got a long time before that happens, don't worry."

I loved my life. I loved being young and free. I loved sliding down my favorite slide. I felt like I had everything and I couldn't imagine death taking it all away from me.

I remember a few years ago when I almost thought death could be an option. Lost in depression and the depth of a dark hole, I felt like there was no way to dig myself out. What happened to that little girl who couldn't wait to wake up everyday and live the life she loved? Where did her purpose for living go? All of her happiness was gone. Pressures of life got in the way and ruined the reasons why I thought it was so special. So what was the point anymore?

I remember the day I found life's purpose again. It was probably the best day of my life. I found myself under the sun spreading my arms out wide to feel the warmth. This is why I live. I live to enjoy special moments. I live to show people that I am here, and I am ready to take on anything the world throws at me. I live so that when I do die I will be remembered for all of the great things i've done.

Life is beautiful. I can't believe I almost let myself forget that.

I Have Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts

I think I have told you enough about me for now. How about I introduce you to some of the best people I have ever known. The people who I would do anything for. The people who can change my day from awful to great. My best friends everyone:

Let's start with "Nora". I met her in the 8th grade and we've only grown closer ever since. She is a self-proclaimed nerd and fashion lover. You could definitely call her the hipster of the group. Quiet, yet can be the most spontaneously loud person you've ever met. She spends a lot of time on the internet, which provides us all with many fun facts. She loves classic rock music and oldie movies. Her humor is probably one of the best things about her. She never fails to make me laugh. We have been through a lot together and I can't think of a better person I could've had with me during those times. She is a girl with big dreams, and I believe that she can achieve them all because she is just that amazing. Look out for this one, world. She will change you.

Next up is "Keira". She is the shy, beautiful type. Her smile moves mountains. Quiet around strangers, but just as crazy as the rest of us. Weighs nothing, but can punch like you wouldn't believe. Like me, she loves adorable love stories. She is determined and smart. She has one of the biggest hearts i've ever seen. I feel like I can always turn to her for comfort. She is also the "example setter" of the group. She has good standards and never lowers them for anybody. I look up to her so much and I strive everyday to try to rise to her example.

Words don't even start to explain how much I love "Sofia". She is short and small, but you would be surprised how much comes out of her little body. I call this one "the partier". She is loud and crazy, but far from obnoxious. She is the kind of person who can make new friends within 5 minutes. She is obsessed with anything british. She is a very talented dancer. Her style is amazing. Although she has her fun side, she also has a very serious side. A lot of pain and darkness has tried to overcome her, but she continues to fight hard everyday, and her strength is what I look up to the most. This girl is going to go far in the future, and I can't wait to watch it happen.

All different personalities. People who don't know them could call them strange, but they are my kind of strange.

 I don't really know how I got so lucky, but these girls have changed my life and for that I'm forever grateful. These are the people that I will never let go of. And we may be seen as a dysfunctional family, but I would never have it any other way. These people have a very special place in my heart, and that's where they'll stay.

We All Do.

Fear.

You can probably smell it on me. I don't care because you fear too. We all do. Having fears is all a part of being human. You can lie and say that you honestly don't have any, but by saying that, you have a fear of fears. You're afraid that people will find your weakness and somehow ruin every part of you. So you try your hardest to act like nothing scares you. To act like you're the man. But you're not. Sorry to disappoint.

Do you want to know what I'm afraid of?

I'm afraid of growing up. Sometimes being a kid is the answer to everything. Sometimes I want to travel to Neverland and become best friends with peter pan. I get angry at myself sometimes for always wishing I could grow up when I was younger because I thought teenagers were "so cool". The only cool thing about teen life is being able to drive. Drive away from everything that pushes you to the point of insanity. And it only gets worse from here. Can't I just skip growing up even more?

I'm afraid of losing my best friends. The people who LOVE to tease me, but also embrace me with LOVE when I feel like nothing. All I know is that I would be engulfed in darkness if I didn't have them in my life.

I'm afraid of talking to him. What if he didn't like my personality, or my weird little perks? I don't know if I could risk receiving a negative reaction from him. The butterflies in my stomach would be upset with me and turn into demons instead. What if he just thinks of me as that one girl he saw at his brothers wedding. The awkward one in the white dress with the mint vest. We say hi, but I wonder if he feels like he has to. Does he actually mean it when he smiles at me?

I'm afraid of not being good enough. For anyone.

I'm afraid of pushing too hard to the point of no return.

I'm afraid of losing another family member. My family is my rock. A shiny, beautiful rock that would turn me dull if it cracked.

I'm afraid of fears, just like you. The only difference between me and you is that I realize and accept that I'm afraid. When are you going to stop this "tough guy" act? Because if you don't, someone or something else will. So just confess now that you have fears. It's okay. We all do. 

Confusion.

I remember that day. The day I gave up on you. I thought I didn't feel anything anymore, and you were just an old friend again. I stopped thinking about you all the time.

 Sure your smile still made me melt, but everyone sees that your smile brings spring flowers back to life, even in the dead winter. So that was nothing new. 

You are one of those people that can change someones whole day with just a simple hello. Your personality is one of the most unique I have ever encountered. And you are just a good friend. At least thats what I wanted to think. 

Turns out I was terribly confused. Apparently I just let things holding me back make me think I was over feeling like this for you. My friends knew it the whole time, even though I didn't.

 Completely blinded by certain situations I didn't realize you still make me so nervous that I sound like an awkward 7th grader around you.

I'm confused. Or am I? Now my brain just hurts and I don't know how to stop it. Thanks to you. 

You will probably never know the truth, but thats okay because just having you in my life is enough. Your incredible strength after all you've been through makes me want to be a better person everyday. And that's what friends do. Make each other better. So thank you for being my friend.

 Please don't ever stop being you. I love you. As a friend. Maybe. 

Here is the Girl

Here is the girl who found nothing but the happy in life, the girl everyone turned to for a smile when life would turn against them. No one saw the slightest sliver of ugliness in her. Nothing but sunshine layed over her silky black hair. Here is the girl who was living a life where everything was paradise.

Until the day it wasn't.

There is the boy who broke her heart. Tore her dignity away from her secretly while she thought he was her whole world, leaving her trapped in her mind that would only yell hideous thoughts. Her soul weak, her happiness gone. Trying everything to convince everyone she was fine so she didn't have to feel like a burden in their already busy lives. Everyone still saw her as the beautiful bright girl they knew. But she didn't. She thought he sucked all of the beauty out of her. She didn't know who she was anymore. Here is the broken girl, stuck inside a box that is barely safe, with only a small hole of air supply.

But here is another girl. Now this girl grew up with nothing but misery keeping her company and she definitely didn't love it back. She started out in the box. Coming home everyday with new bruises and scratches, she would tell everyone she just fell off the swings a lot because like the othe girl, she didnt want to be a burden. As years went by and people grew, physical pain turned to verbal pain.  One day, tired of hurting inside and out, she decided to fit in. But that only made her feel worse. She was a strong believer of honesty and she knew when she looked in the mirror that seeing wasn't believing, but that believing was seeing. Seeing that she needed to be true to herself and just fight for the right to become whoever she wanted to be. Here is the girl who found true happiness after living a childhood that sometimes still haunts her, but she only uses those fearful thoughts to make her stronger and remind her of all she has accomplished even when it seemed like the whole world fought against her. Here is the recovered girl, free from anything that has ever tried to stop her.

Here is the moment when the broken girl and the recovered girl meet . They seem as though they've known each other forever. The recovered girl picks the broken girl up onto her feet. The broken girl looks up to the recovered girl, feeling grateful to have met such a strong person. Here are the girls who became fast friends and stood together to become happier and stronger than ever before. And here are the girls changing the world one broken girl at a time, unlocking them from that dreadful box.

No Regrets. No Loss.

Have you ever taken a moment and immediately regretted it?
Like when you tell someone something or do something that you realize was out of pure stupidity.
One reason we probably regret whatever we did is because we think it affected other people, and us as humans constantly feel the need to please those around us. Otherwise we get insecure about what they think about us and our thoughts are taken over by negativity. But why? Why do we do that? Can't we just take risks and chances without feeling guilt because we aren't doing what someone else wants us to do? We should be able to choose who we are and what we can or can't do. So why regret? Everything happens for a reason. Every choice we make somehow makes us grow and molds us into the most unique versions of ourselves, whether those choices turn out good or bad. So I say we take those risks and chances and never look back. No regrets. No loss.

Sisters Destroy Space

Space between us.

We grew up together. 

We have driven each other up the walls countless times.

I would wish for the day that they would be gone.

and now I realize space is too big.

Too big of a disappointment. 

No freedom here.

Just missing our late conversations.

Missing the times they would slap me in the face for no reason.

Missing the constant teasing about how i'm the spoiled baby.

Space. And sisters.

They're all living their adult lives

And i'm stuck.

Stuck in the space that won't let me leave.

My favorite time of year is when we're all together.

No space, no disappointment.

Just childhood being relived. 

Space. And best friends.

Space between us. 

But we won't let it change us.

Because we always stay close 

No matter how big the space.

Sisters destroy space. 

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us."

 -Alexander Graham Bell

My Mind is an Endless Tunnel with Thoughts of YOU

Yes, I think about YOU. But it's not like I try to. Your smile likes to show up in my mind uninvited. The colors of your eyes are captured in my brain like an old picture you can't get rid of. I don't know if YOU know, but I really don't try to let it show. I think about what YOU might think of me. I think about your kind heart and your humble spirit, which are rare in people like YOU. You're not afraid to let your light shine through. There's something incredibly special about YOU, and that's why I think about YOU.

I think about YOU like skydivers think about parachutes.
Like ice thinks about water.
Like kids think about disneyland.
I think about YOU like hats think about heads
Like lamps think about light bulbs.
Like rings think about fingers
Like dreams think about dreamers.

But honestly, I probably shouldn't think about YOU because chances are YOU don't think about me too. So what should I do? Everytime I try to let those thoughts go, somehow they find their way back through my mind like a train going through and endless tunnel.

So here's an idea, how about YOU stop being YOU... but that's not fair is it? Because thats all you can really be. And thats what makes YOU so special, because YOU know who YOU are and you have the purest of hearts, and this world needs YOU. So I guess im just stuck thinking about YOU. Hope YOU don't mind.

See You Later

I think about you everyday. I see old pictures of me laying on your chest, small and fragile, still unaware of what life really is. Life can be cruel. Unexpected. Sometimes I think why me? Why couldn't I have remembered those 18 months we spent together? Sometimes I think what if...What if that day hadn't happened. Would you still let me sleep on your chest after 17 years? Would you be proud of who I am? Because all I really want to do is make you proud. I strive daily to be exactly what you might have wanted me to be. Mom gave me your old work shirt, and sometimes when I wear it to bed I imagine what it would smell like if you had just worn it. Is it possible for me to miss you this much, even though I never properly got to know you?

Life. Does it really have to be this hard? Some days I feel like I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Hopeless and confused I sit down and bury my head into my knees. Then suddenly I feel a hand helping me up, then a push behind me. I find the light again. And I know it was you. Sometimes I even feel your arms wrapped entirely around me telling me "everything will be okay."

I can't see you. I can't hear you. But I know you're there. Watching over me. Celebrating my achievements with me. Crying through the hardships with me. 

I've realized that I can look at life and hate it. Hate the fact that it's so fragile and the simplest touch of darkness can spread and ruin the happiest of moments. But I don't want to look at it that way, because Life truly is beautiful. And even though you've lost yours, I know that you're pushing me to live mine as your healthy and happy baby girl. And all I really want to do is make you proud. I can't wait to be in your arms again. It never was a one-sided goodbye, it was just a "see you later." I love you daddy. 

Love and Chocolate Cake

Love. Such a simple word, yet has such a complex meaning. "What is it?" They ask. Well I've never been in love so I wouldn't know, but even those who have can't explain it.

"It just comes and you know when it does." 

"It feels like nothing you've ever felt before."

That's all they can really come up with. Am I supposed to be impressed by that or something? Is love really worth it? Because to me, those explanations could be about the feeling you get when eating a chocolate cake, but guess what... Eventually that cake is gone. So what then? 

Apparently I have to "experience love myself" to know what it really is, but even then I may not exactly know. Well okay then. I guess I'll just have to wait. 

Wait for the feeling I get when he smiles

Wait for the warmth of his arms around me

Wait for the truth in his eyes when he says those three words 

Wait for understanding that he can see what I see

Wait for the first time he hears me sneeze and accept it and still be pleased with who I am and who I want to be.

I can wait.

Or more accurately love can wait for me.

I won't let love control me. When I am ready I will control IT. Control where my heart wants to be. I will prepare for the times when the cake is gone and all I will feel is pure disappointment, but mostly I'll prepare for the moment when I realize I have an endless supply of that chocolate cake. I'm not afraid for the moment when true, endless love is on it's way because I will know when it's meant to be. At least that's what they tell me. Let's pray that they're right. 

Hide

I used to hide.

Hide behind the lies

behind my red crying eyes

behind the people who I thought were friends

who left me for better trends.

All I could find was the worst in myself

and I didn't know how I could get help

but the truth is all I had to do was rise

I had to realize

that I am the best me

and I was set free.

I would be lying if I said I still didn't hide

sometimes I still let my lack of pride
get the best of me

but at least now I can see

that things can get better

If I force the negative thoughts to just let me be.

I'm done playing hide and seek. 

Being Alive

What does it really mean to be alive? Is it taking your first steps, riding your first bike, or experiencing your first kiss? Is it feeling pain for the first time or breaking someone else's heart for the first time? Now you may wonder why I am using the word "first" so much, but to me, thats what being alive is. Life is full of firsts. Things that are not alive only have one first or maybe even no firsts. A lamp only has one first household that it sits in. Humans experience firsts almost everyday even if they don't realize it. That is how I know I'm alive.

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

Hi, I'm Charlie. You may wonder why I would choose such a name as my pen name. Well let me tell you. Charlotte Rose (Charlie for short) is what I want to name one of my future children. Now I know what you're thinking, you're creeped out that I have already named one of my not yet existent children. But don't you dare act like you haven't thought about the same exact thing at least once in your lifetime, because I know you have. So there. 

I am really excited to post on this blog and express my thoughts and talk about my inspirations. I hope that through this blog I will be able to show who I am and who I want to be. I'm not sure how great I am at this whole "creative" thing, but I guess we'll find out wont we? Wish me luck!